We’ll Be Fine: 5 Reasons Not to Worry About a North Korean Nuclear Strike

If you thought our relationship with North Korea was going to improve after the passing of maniacal dictator Kim Jong Il, think again. His son and successor, Kim Jong Un, is picking right up where his nutty little father left off. After threatening a preemptive nuclear strike against the United States last month, the North Korean military released a statement yesterday saying that they have not only officially approved a strike against the US, but that “The moment of explosion is approaching fast.” Don’t start shaking in your boots just yet though, America. There are plenty of reasons not to sweat this threat.

5 Loves his Kicks

It’s also well known that Kim Jong Un is absolutely obsessed with Nike sneakers. He is the proud owner of a massive collection of expensive shoes and likely wouldn’t want to do anything to piss off the supplier. Granted, most of Nike’s shoe factories are probably a lot closer to North Korea than they are to the US, but the company itself is still headquartered here on American soil. He can hate the rest of our country all he wants, but Kim wouldn’t want to lose those sweet American kicks.

4 Haircut

Turns out all those jokes about whether Kim Jong Un cuts his own hair were actually right on point. Thanks to a crippling fear of barbers, the North Korean dictator actually cuts his own hair, and has for years. So let’s extrapolate that a bit and assume that despite the airs he may put on, this guy has a healthy sense of fear. If you’re deathly afraid of barbers, it’s safe to assume you’re probably not too fond of the thought of the United States nuking you into oblivion. So despite all the threats, he’s probably not too likely to give us a real reason to do so.

3 Star-Crossed BFF’s

It has been well publicized that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has become fast friends with former NBA All-Star and all-around whack-a-doodle Dennis “The Worm” Rodman. During Rodman’s recent trip to North Korea, the two took in basketball games and even partied together, forming an unlikely friendship that seems more like the result of a drunken Mad Lib than anything that could actually happen. The good news for us? Kim probably wouldn’t want to burn up his new buddy, marking the first time America is able to proudly lay claim to being the home of Dennis Rodman.

2 Big Talk

If you’ve paid any attention to the history of North Korean leaders, you know that more than a bit of a penchant for embellishment. Among former leader Kim Jong Il’s wildest claims were that he was born under a double-rainbow, that he shot 11 hole-in-ones in his first ever round of golf, that he could control the weather with his moods and that he didn’t defecate. So, if Kim Jong Un has inherited his father’s sense of honesty, it’s safe to say these claims of nuclear capability might be more than a bit exaggerated.

1 Lack of Capabilities

Even if the North Koreans did legitimately plan on bombing the US, it certainly isn’t happening any time soon. Most experts agree that they do not yet have the capability of building a ballistic missile capable of reaching the US, and a report from Reuters suggests that it would take years for North Korea to compile any “significant atom bomb material.” Essentially, this is like the kid who insists that his dad can kick your dad’s ass, only he doesn’t actually know who or where his dad is.