uncle sam’s creeping on you 5 consequences of nsa spying

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How much do you really want the government knowing about you? At what point does the supposed protection of our country and citizens become an absolute invasion of privacy?

These are questions that U.S. citizens and their government are now facing thanks to revelations about the extent of the NSA’s watchdog ways. The government argues that it’s all part of the effort to protect us from terrorism, but recent findings regarding the NSA collecting millions of phone records and tapping into the servers of major internet providers have Americans up in arms about what this could mean for their privacy.

5 Texting Oddities

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Think about it, since the time that texting and sending cell phone pics to friends became the norm, you’ve probably sent some pretty messed up shit. Stuff that to you and your pals was absolutely hilarious at the time, but if taken out of context, could land you on some seriously unsavory government lists, and in some cases, have you considered a legitimate war criminal.

4 Financial Records

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Most people prefer to keep their financial goings on pretty close to the vest, but with today’s digital technology most everyone’s regular bill payments and bank records are on their phones and computers. Meaning that the fact that you’ve been collecting unemployment for two years while also bartending off the books for cash and managing to lease a brand new BMW might not be as big of a secret as you thought.

3 Occupational Efficiency

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If both your phone and your computer usage are being tracked, who’s to say the government won’t eventually give your boss a little heads up that you are one of the worst employees in the entire country? Suddenly you get called into a meeting where you have to explain why your computer was logged onto Netflix for six hours on a Tuesday, or how the hell you managed to play 52 minutes of Angry Birds in a bathroom stall on the very same day you got a promotion.

2 Strange Internet Habits

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Think about your daily Internet habits. You know, like when you’re alone. Chances are you probably don’t want anyone knowing exactly what you’re looking at, never mind some stranger working for Uncle Sam. Whether your weakness is silly cat pics, celebrity gossip articles or weird German toilet-porn, it’s probably best that no one knows just how deep in you are.

1 Marital Troubles

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It seems pretty unfair that some guy wearing a headset in a government office somewhere might know that your wife has been getting down with Gary from accounting before you do. The again, maybe if the government enacted some kind of tattling policy, it could be beneficial. You deserve to know if your wife is a cheating harlot, or if your husband is an unloving man-whore. And if both of you are cheating, well then fine, the government can probably just keep that to themselves because you guys are pretty messed up as it is.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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