5 Dumbest Quotes on Gay Marriage

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The Supreme Court’s recent landmark marriage rulings shot down the Defense of Marriage Act and overturned California’s Prop 8, legalizing gay marriage in the most populated state in the Union and marking a huge leap forward in human rights and equality. What it also did though, was serve as a stark reminder of the premium our country holds on ignorance.

The right for homosexuals to marry legally has long been an issue at the forefront of our nation, often dividing America into two groups, those who support it, and those who condemn it. And while those who argue vehemently against gay marriage often come across as intolerant and obtuse, at least they provide us with a seemingly endless supply of mindless quotations.

5 Mitt Romney

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Ah, Mitt; the former presidential hopeful and perhaps the definitive provider of reckless quotes from the ill informed, out of touch, super-rich white guy. What say you, Mitt?

“I believe that we should provide equal rights to people regardless of their sexual orientation, but I do not believe that marriage should be between two people of the same gender.”

Flawless. He effectively said, “Everyone should have equal rights, but gays should definitely not be getting married.” On some level, you have to sort of admire a man who can contradict himself in such a succinct and efficient manner.

4 Michele Bachmann

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Is there any chance that a woman with eyes that maniacal wouldn’t make an appearance on this list? Nope. Back in 2004, the now member of the House of Representatives, had this to say on the possible effects of gay marriage on our children:

“This is a very serious matter, because it is our children who are the prize for this community. They are specifically targeting our children.”

Okay, that’s a tough one to break down. Either Bachmann genuinely believes gay marriage would somehow be permanently detrimental to our younger population, or she was confusing homosexuals with sugary cereal manufacturers.

3 Antonin Scalia

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In a historic Supreme Court ruling, we couldn’t very well expect that the justices themselves wouldn’t offer up some inane quotables. Luckily, Justice Antonin Scalia condemned the Supreme Court’s intervention in the gay marriage debate, referring to the rulings as “legalistic argle-bargle.” Amazing. It’s not often that a Supreme Court Justice makes a calculated argument in which he sounds like one of the unmasked old men at the end of an episode of “Scooby Doo,” but Justice Scalia did just that. He also pointed out that this ruling was inevitable once “homosexual sodomy” was legalized. Like obviously, they’re eventually going to want to get married if we stop throwing them in jail for having sex.

2 Mike Huckabee

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Fox News host Mike Huckabee, who’s always good for an asinine quote or twelve, chimed in with this beauty:

“I’m not a homophobe or a hater… If we’re determined to change the definition of marriage to accommodate how people feel and what they wish to do because of their mutual consent, then we should immediately release those incarcerated for practicing polygamy or bigamy… And, frankly, let’s make all consensual adult behaviors legal, whether prostitution, assisted suicide or even drinking 16 ounce sodas in New York City.”

Wow. First off, preempting a statement with “I’m not a homophobe” is like starting a joke by whispering, “Hey, I’m no racist, but…” It’s only going to get uglier from there. But you’ve got to credit Huckabee for somehow blowing gay marriage completely out of proportion with a comparison to polygamy and prostitution, while also simultaneously trivializing it by comparing it to new laws on soda.

1 Louie Gohmert

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Gohmert, a current Republican Representative from Texas’ First Congressional District, offered this gem in reaction to the court’s historic ruling:

"What we have now is a holy quintet that goes against the laws of nature and nature’s God, and that's very unfortunate."

Thank you Louie, for articulating what the rest of America just couldn’t; that the Supreme Court justices who voted against DOMA are no more than a scheming faction of super villains railing against God. Way to make your side look not at all like the insane, hyper-exaggerated one, Louie.